Jalen Gooch

A few weeks ago I was getting ready for bed when I stumbled across the classic YouTube recommendation for a video that had come out almost 10 years ago. It was Jenna Marbles’ 30 Life Lessons I Learned In 30 Years. 

After watching the video, I started to think about the most important lessons I had learned through my own experiences up to this point in my life and what that list would look like. So on my 23rd Birthday, I sat down and typed out the 23 lessons you are about to read below. 

Full transparency, my birthday was in early July, and while I originally planned on getting this post up then, it’s been months of on and off work. In those few months alone, my thoughts and stances on the different lessons I chose shifted dramatically, and I’ve done a lot of editing since then, so if none, at least one of these sticks with you. 

Before I begin, I want to preface that these are just the most important life lessons I could think of that relate to my life currently. I’m sure that in five to ten years, if not months, I’ll either have completely different priorities, and may even disagree with some of the things I’ve listed below, but that’s all part of the human experience.

So let’s not waste any more time. Here are 23 Things I’ve learned in my 23 years of being alive on this earth. 

1 | You’re not in love with them, you’re in love with the idea of them

Starting with a bang! This one hits a bit closer to home in that, at the time of writing this, I genuinely thought I had found someone whom I was in love with, in which there was a real connection that went beyond superficial attraction. 

That made it all the more devastating when I learned that the feelings weren’t mutual. I remember reading that people who lack self-esteem or affection will often latch onto anyone who shows them kindness or attention, often mistaking it for love. 

Someone who I might be attracted to on a more surface level would do something nice for once, and then all of a sudden, they would capitalize every waking thought in my head. As I replayed that single moment repeatedly in my head, I would start to fill in the gaps of actual knowledge I had on this person by imagining how they act in different fictional situations.

This caused me to build up an imagined persona that I fell more and more in love with, that in reality never existed. It’s easy to miss the red flags when you are convinced that the person in your head, and not the person standing right in front of you, would ever do something like that. No one is without flaws, and if you are spending most of your waking hours convincing yourself that they are the perfect person without getting to know them at all, it probably isn’t meant to be.

2 | Sometimes you have to move the log that’s blocking the road

This past Thanksgiving, my grandma told us all the story of the one time she was driving back home late from work and came across a log in the road. Not only were there no streetlights along the road, but this was a time before cellphones, so she couldn’t call anyone else for help.

My mom and uncle, who were both kids at the time, were home alone and waiting for her, so she got out of the car, pulled up her sleeves, and dragged the log out of the road all by herself. 

Aside from how badass of a story this is, on a more metaphorical note, I think that oftentimes when we face obstacles or setbacks, we spend more time pitying ourselves and lamenting about the block in the road, instead of simply doing what needs to be done. It’s hard, but sometimes you just need to roll up your sleeves and move that log instead of waiting for things to resolve themselves magically.

3 | You shouldn’t be friends with everyone

As a recovering people pleaser, nothing terrifies me more than the idea of someone not liking me. I have spent hours awake at night trying to figure out how to win someone over and what sacrifices I need to make to gain their respect. 

Over time, I’ve learned that this is a very self-centered and frivolous mindset that does nothing but force you to enter every interaction looking for ways to shape yourself into a person you think that they might like. 

Ask yourself if YOU even like every person you’ve ever met, and for those you didn’t, was there always a reason? If the answer isn’t yes, you’re either the most charismatic or narcissistic person out there. 

You should never have to compromise on your values or character in order to be friends with someone. I promise you it is not worth your time and effort. It is better to be free and your full, authentic self, knowing that not everyone likes you, than to have hundreds like a version of yourself that you don’t even recognize.

4 | Consume Less, Create More

After completing the Artists Way, this mantra has been playing through my mind a lot. As we enter the holiday season, to say that we live in an era of overconsumption would frankly be a huge understatement.

Everyday we are sold things we once had no need for or even knew existed, but suddenly we can’t live without. Things that took our ancestors months or even years to acquire, we can get in as little as 24 hours thanks to Amazon. 

But arguably, as a result, I feel like so many of the things I’ve picked up in my life have so little value when compared to the things I’ve made and put my time and energy into. Forcing myself to create slows down the endless need to consume and opens up space to appreciate the life I’m able to build with my own two hands.

5 | It will always look sh*tty the first time.

Perfectionism, since the beginning of time, has always been a stumbling block for both experienced and aspiring creatives. We’ll get an idea for a project or new skill we want to try, only to be extremely disappointed when we reach the final result. 

I’ll get to my anti-social media rant in a little bit, but I think having access to the edited, filtered lives of so many people, especially in more creative spaces, is the greatest thief of confidence for fledgling creatives. 

We expect our first attempt at something to be comparable to the works of someone who has been in the game for years. Every successful person you look up to had to start from somewhere and was once where you are now, but you only see where they are currently. 

I promise you, if you continue to show up, whatever your craft, and make small improvements every day, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can grow when you give yourself the space to fail and make art that looks like shit.

6 | You will never be enough for the wrong people

Not everyone in your life has your best interests in mind, and that’s just a harsh reality you have to accept. Despite how kind you are, some people will always want you to fail or never reciprocate the work you put into the relationship. Trying to please these types of people can feel like pulling teeth. 

Whenever I face rejection, I have this idea that if I were to go back in time and change X, Y, and Z about myself, or if I had said A instead of B that the outcome would be different. 

It’s so easy to fall into the rabbit hole of what-ifs and trying to rationalize a situation that confuses us. However, even if we were to go back in time and do things differently, we assume it would change how someone else would respond, when in reality, that’s something we have no control over. 

Therefore, shirking ourselves down or overexerting ourselves to try and gain the favor of people who have already decided how they feel about us only leaves us exhausted and resentful.

We are too precious to leave ourselves behind chasing the fleeting attention of others. 

7 | Delete your social media (or take a long break!)

I deleted Instagram off my phone this past February as a bit of a social experiment (AKA it was Valentine’s season, I was tired of being jumpscared by some of y’all’s scary ass partners!). After the initial month had passed, I kept the app off my phone and removed any similar apps.

It’s easier said than done, and it would be extremely hypocritical to say that I’m completely off the grid. I still rely on social media when it comes to my freelancing business and finding clients, but I’m trying to use it intentionally rather than mindlessly scrolling. 

Adding different sources of friction (Atomic Habits readers rise up!), like only being able to access Instagram through my computer and having to sign in each time I want to use it, has dramatically reduced my screentime. 

Social media always felt like I was performing on a stage, with the often intimate and personal aspects of my life being the show. If I wasn’t getting likes or catching the attention of crushes or people I looked up to, then I must be doing life wrong. 

Now, apart from a close inner circle, no one really knows what I’m up to these days, and it’s so freeing, because I can try, fail, and explore different parts of myself without fear. If going cold turkey scares you, try getting rid of the app for a week or a month and pay attention to the way you feel. 

I promise you, my life has changed in the past few months in a way that never would’ve happened if I had kept feeding my unhealthy relationship with my phone.

8 | You don’t have to hold a tight grip on the things that are meant for you

When I finally reached the summit of an 8-hour hike in Cambodia, the clouds parted, revealing the sunset in a beautiful scarlet sky. As I looked over the sapphire sea, I noticed I was not alone in experiencing this moment. 

To my right was a monk who, after standing silently, turned to me and gently spoke these words. I’ll never forget this moment, mostly because it never happened and I made it all up. But hey, it’s a lot cooler than how I really found this quote, which was superimposed over a picture of a cartoon dog on Pinterest.

Regardless of where it came from, it still holds its weight in meaning. There have been so many friendships or experiences that I have fought tooth and nail to keep in my life, when the easiest thing I could’ve done is let go. 

This doesn’t always mean that you will get the outcome you were hoping for, and you will lose things you thought you’d have forever. But when your hands are full of things that no longer serve you, you don’t have the capacity to hold all the new experiences and people that do. 

9 | The cost of a thing is the amount of life required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

This quote from Henry David Thoreau was one of the many I stumbled upon when reading The Artist’s Way and has stuck with me ever since. At its core, it calls into question the things you value and whether or not the way you are currently spending your time is a reflection of that. 

One of the biggest roadblocks to deleting social media for me was that I felt like I would be completely isolating myself from all my friends. However, I rarely spent time building meaningful connections with friends and often wasted hours mindlessly scrolling, eventually closing the app feeling worse about myself. 

I was forced to ask myself if I really “didn’t have time” for all the experiences or skills that I always wanted to incorporate into my life, when I was logging 6+ hours of screentime every day. 

This quote doesn’t just apply to social media and technology, but also helped me realize that there were a lot of relationships or time commitments that I felt obligated to say yes to out of principle, that were in reality killing me slowly.

10 | The more you try to be loved, the less of you there is to be loved

I’ve always held onto the idea of love at first sight and seeing someone and just knowing that they are the one. 

Surprisingly, in all of the serious crushes I’ve had, it’s always been people who are either avoidant or show no signs of reciprocating feelings. I’ll hold onto any tiny crumb of attention as if that’s proof enough that someday, if I keep up my good behavior, they’ll wake up and realize that I’m the one. 

One of my more serious crushes was a person who was loved by everyone I met who knew them. I would go about my way to make myself seem cool or desirable to this person, forcing myself often to act against my own interests. 

A key moment that led to the eventual fading of the crush was watching someone else I myself looked up to audibly fawn over this person, shrinking themselves down in the process. It felt like a mirror had been thrown in my face. I was horrified at the idea that this was how other people saw me when I was around them and how much of myself I had left behind. 

You deserve to be loved for who you are, not who you could be for someone. 

11 | Objects in motion, remain in motion

This simple law of physics is something that we all learned in elementary school and is nothing new. It wasn’t until I heard it applied to the choices we make and our life decisions in a video by YouTuber Pearlieee that it all hit. 

When we commit to something and make an effort every day, no matter how small, it’s physically impossible for things to stay the same. Yes, things may not pan out the way you imagined or within the exact time frame you were expecting, but the only way to ensure that no progress is made is to do nothing. 

The example she gave in her video related to applying to jobs. I know it is a sore subject for all of us, but basically, she asked, Are you applying to jobs or just telling people that you are. Because if you were applying to jobs every day, sooner or later you would land one, but by doing nothing, an object at rest remains at rest.

12 | It has nothing to do with you

This is one of those quotes that can be so hard to believe, but if you actually take the time to accept it, it’s extremely freeing. We humans are rational beings, which means we look for explanations at every turn, often resulting in us filling in the gaps when we lack answers. 

To make matters worse, we often will attribute any outcome or situation that doesn’t go our way to some kind of personal failing. 

The date went perfectly, and you thought they were the one, only to get ghosted? It has nothing to do with you! You aced the interview after hours of preparation and still didn’t get the job? It has nothing to do with you! Forgot to pick up the kids from school 6 times, and now your ex is suing for full custody? That might be you… 

But in all seriousness, if we take a step back and remove our ego from the lens of every minor setback, we’ll realize that under the guise of “protecting” ourselves, we are the perpetrators of the greatest harm. 

13 | You’re not afraid of failing, you’re afraid of being seen trying

There have been so many talents or skills I’ve abandoned because my first attempt (and subsequent failures) were in front of an audience. Our culture praises the exceptional, the natural genius, the prodigy, to the point where continually trying and failing at something you want to learn is seen as embarrassing.

As kids, when we set our minds to something, nothing would stop us. Whether we had to kick, claw, or bite to get there. A baby doesn’t learn how to walk by simply waking up and doing so. They stumble and fall until they are able to walk on their own two feet. 

Think of all the people who have changed the course of history after years of people telling them to give up or that they were crazy for even trying. If you can’t bear the idea of being judged for trying, don’t even open yourself up to the possibility. 

Build a rich inner life where you can fail and try new things without criticism, and you’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish. 

14 | A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind

This quote, said by biochemist Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, is another quote I picked up from reading The Artist’s Way that has changed how I view productivity and progress in general. 

The life of a creative is a tortured one. It can take weeks or months to find inspiration and even more time to actually take the steps needed to make that happen. 

In life in general, there’s this idea that someday, it will all make sense and be worth it. When the perfect person or opportunity comes along and changes your life overnight, that rarely, if ever, is the case. 

Every great discovery was arguably made by someone who was already doing the work. They weren’t sitting back and waiting for the answer, but were actively seeking it out in one way or another. 

Breaking down your biggest dreams and goals into smaller targets and asking yourself, What is one small thing I can do today based on my current capacity that keeps me moving towards my goals, will ensure you are ready for any opportunities the universe might throw your way.

15 | You don’t miss the social aspect of drinking, not alcohol

My friends and I always reminisce about the nights we’d go out drinking, have life-altering experiences, and be seated in our 7:00 am lecture the following morning.

It took me a while, but I realized that we were rehashing maybe two or three out of the dozens of nights we had gone out and woke up the next morning feeling terrible, both emotionally and physically. 

I didn’t start drinking until later in college, and the memories I have from that period of my life are all the more valuable because I, for one, can remember them and two didn’t have to spend $15 on a cocktail to do so.

If you only like hanging out with certain friends when you’re all wasted, maybe it’s time to reevaluate those relationships. The occasional drink or two is perfectly fine, but you shouldn’t feel as though people won’t like you sober. 

Go to the park, see a movie, play games, craft something. Your wallet (and liver) will thank you. 

16 | Loneliness often has more to do with you being uncomfortable being alone than missing other people

No matter how many people we have in our lives, loneliness is a feeling that eventually creeps up on us in one way or another. I’ve gone through periods where my every waking hour was filled with the presence of others, and times when I would go days without talking to a single soul.

As complex as an emotion loneliness is, I think it forces us to pay attention to ourselves and the feelings and thoughts we have been neglecting. It’s easy to attribute these feelings to the absence of others, when often what you’re feeling has much deeper roots. 

These problems aren’t magically solved when we are with others, but simply take the backseat as we focus on those around us. It’s easier to distract ourselves with the presence of other people than to sit with the parts of ourselves screaming and begging for attention. 

Listen to what your body and soul might be trying to tell you and allow yourself to sit in the discomfort of being alone.

17 | You don’t owe anyone an explanation when you say no

Add this to the people pleasers column, but so many times when faced with having to say no, I’ll spend hours agonizing over the perfect excuse. Many times, the other person will find a workaround to my “expertly” crafted excuse, and I’ll end up being forced to say yes when I really wanted to say no. 

Your word is valuable and worthy of respect on its own. You don’t have to provide an excuse because if someone really wants your time and energy, they will find a way around your half-baked excuses. 

Simply say no and move on. You don’t have to explain or answer the barrage of whys that come your way. 

Thinking back on all the times I compromised after initially saying no, I realized I was not just saying yes to something I didn’t want to do, but saying no to myself. Over time, the more I compromised on my time and desires, the less I trusted myself to be capable of making decisions that actually made me happy.

Nothing is worth being at war with yourself.  

18 | Everything can be traced back to parts of your childhood

This year, I’ve done a lot of inner reflection. Whether that’s through journaling or undertaking The Artist’s Way, I’ve had to revisit my past and face my inner child numerous times. 

When we become adults, there’s this idea that we leave our childish ways and habits behind and that those times in our lives no longer affect us, when that is far from the case. 

There are so many habits and tendencies that I will default to as if on autopilot that stem from experiences in my childhood, for better or worse. The only way to break these cycles isn’t to wake up one day and pretend that those experiences no longer affect me because I’m an adult. 

I have to meet with the child who experienced those things and, as a result, internalized different harmful beliefs. I have to promise to be there for them, remembering what they went through while striving to be better. 

19 | If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no

If you struggle to make a decision and are again a chronic people pleaser like I am, then consider this quote a lifeline. This quote has saved me so much time and agony, and while simultaneously strengthening my inner compass. 

If it’s not something you feel excited for or want to do with your whole chest, then save yourself the stress and just say no. Instead of spending time weighing the pros and cons of whether you are making the right decision, say no and MOVE ON. 

Again, when you say yes to everyone, you are oftentimes saying no to yourself, which ties back to earlier, and is another reason why we feel so uncomfortable being alone. 

When you spend every waking hour saying yes to everyone and having the likes and interests of others repeatedly shoved down your throat, you become a stranger to yourself. 

Save your time, energy, and money for the things you actually want to do. 

20 | It’s easier to live with consequences than regrets

I don’t mean to go all out and kill someone when I say this, but in most cases, if you ask someone near death about their life experience, they are likely to bring up their regrets more than the consequences. 

A while back, I ended up confessing feelings to a close friend who did not feel the same, and since then, the friendship has died out. Does it suck? Yes. Do I regret it? No! Because the alternative would be spending the rest of my life agonizing over what could have been. 

Even though the outcome was not what I’d hoped for, I had an answer and could move on with my life. I’d much rather have stories full of heartbreak and failures than live in eternal agony, wondering what life would be like if I had done the thing I now regret not doing. 

At the end of my life, I want to look back and truly be proud of the fact that I dared to stop living inside my head and start living in the real world. 

21 | Doing things (within reason) because it would be a funny story makes life much more enjoyable

Of course, again I mean within reason, but my most memorable experiences have started with the question, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I…?”. 

This past May, I ran 20k dressed as the Kool-Aid Man (more on this later). Why? Because I thought it would be funny as hell! That whole trip and the weekend that led up to it are now some of my favorite and most cherished memories. 

You don’t always have to have a reason to want to do something, and oftentimes the things that matter to us the most are the ones we feel in our hearts but can’t rationalize or explain in words. 

Think about when you were a kid and how quickly you would bounce from thing to thing that either interested you or you found fun. Somehow, over time, we’ve lost the ability to chase the things we know we’d love in favor of what is more practical. To hell with that! 

Do something simply because you think it’d make a good story for once, and I promise you won’t regret it. 

22 | Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever

If you’re a hopeless romantic like I am, even with platonic friendships, there’s this expectation that once you meet someone, they will stay in your life forever and everything will be perfect! 

We all love the story of best friends from high school living in the same retirement home, having shared all the milestones of life, but that is extremely rare. 

As we grow older, the people we are when we meet someone, and even as little as after a year, are fundamentally different. We experience new things and meet new people who shape us into new versions of ourselves, and that’s one of the most beautiful things about being human. 

Sadly, as we grow and change, the paths we are on might diverge from those we were certain would be with us to the very end, but it’s best to acknowledge and appreciate the role they played in that chapter of your life and step into the next unhindered. 

23 | Soulmates are real, and not limited to romantic relationships

Hollywood has taken the idea of soulmates and run it into the ground so much to the point where we overlook the many soulmates that are standing right in front of us. There are so many friendships in my life that, looking back, I realized had defied all rules of law and nature to form. 

I’ve had people come into my life at the exact moment I needed someone like them, as if they were the answer to my silent prayers. Are all of these people still in my life today as much as I would like them to be? No. But when they were, I felt most myself and hopeful for the future. 

All this to say, don’t prioritize romantic love to the point where you overlook all the love and support you have waiting for you in your immediate circle. No partner or relationship can replace the years of love and support that have made me into who I am today. 

Conclusion

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading my ramblings, drawing from my extensive life on earth. Please let me know if any of these resonated with you, and or if you’ve had similar experiences and takeaways, I’d love to hear them.

I hope to get back into the habit of writing regularly, so hopefully this won’t be the last you hear from for a while. But until next time, take care.